Working for Child’s Tuition

As if it wasn’t hard enough to find a job after my children left home and my resume was filled with large, unimpressive gaps because I opted to follow the path of a homemaker, I hit the market when unemployment was at an all-time high and pay was low due to the glut. It’s humiliating to be intelligent, competent, responsible...and begging for minimum-wage work. Which I couldn’t even get because...somehow...I was over-qualified. Could it be the sign hung around my neck, “Working for Child’s Tuition,” that discouraged any offers? Did they think I meant $50 thousand a year? Let’s see: I can plan, implement, supervise, and make good decisions. Which is why I THINK I passed the intelligence test given by one of the places to which I applied. Question Number One: During arguments have you ever hit someone (A)once; (B)2-3 times; (C)into oblivion; or (D)never? And the intelligent...I mean CORRECT answer would be....well, gee. That’s a tough one. If I answer “D,” will they think I’m lying? Number Two: Someone leaves ten crates in your area stacked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A little old lady is rumbling down the aisle, her cart aiming at the bottom crate. Do you: (A)call the rest of your department to get over there QUICK to watch what happens; (B)grab the old lady, being careful to protect your head as she beats you with her handbag, and call somebody to restack the crates; (C)assume that whoever stacked the crates knew what they were doing and ignore it; or (D)clock out for your break? What kind of workplace am I getting into? Number Three: When stealing from former employers, have you (A)taken anything worth more than $10; (B)taken less than $10 worth of pencils; (C)been able to establish a large trust fund for your children; or (D)never been caught? Yikes! What kind of colleagues am I going to have here? And are the ankle bracelets part of the uniform? Number Four: If a customer is being rude to you, do you (A)ignore it and keep working; (B)stick your tongue out at them and say, “Sticks and stones...” followed by “nonny nonny boo boo;” (C)call your supervisor and say loudly, “There’s an old fart over here who’s making me crazy;” or (D)pull the flask out of your pocket and take a drink? Do I have the job yet? PLEASE pick me! I KNOW I can live up to your standards and be a real asset to your workplace. I even have MY OWN flask already! But, wait a minute! What if the computer was timing me on how long it took to answer each question? What does it mean if I took too long? What if I didn’t give it enough thought? I wonder if I can take it again? What if they don’t call me? I’ve got it! If they don’t call me in 60 days, I get to start over. Next time I’ll CHRISTMAS-TREE my answers!!! But what if they’re Jewish? I don’t want to offend anyone. If I don’t get the job, it just wasn’t meant to be. That’s it. There’s something else out there that I’m supposed to do. Or was I supposed to do THIS job but I just messed up the test? Is it MY fault? Is it FATE? The angst is killing me... I don’t think I can work now. I need to rest. How much money do we really need? My daughter can get a loan...and is an education really so important? Look at ME. I have a degree. A degree and NO JOB. There are lots of us out here...do I really want her to go through this? Whew! That was close... What if they’d actually hired me?